Change - (Original Date: March 2010)

I used to be sensitive, creative, eccentric, shy to the point of being scared. I was once afraid of being hurt. I used to be smart. Now all I seem to do is hurt the one I love. I don't know what happened to completely strip me of my former self but damn it I want that me back. I have become such an ass to everyone. When did life become a game to me? When did my outlook on women truly change? Before I got with my ex-wife, during, or after? I remember a lad who would write poetry and music for any and all occasions. Now, I hardly ever write and when I do it's always depressing or angry. I've seen so much of society that it's sickened me. It has become predictable, too predictable. Maybe knowing I will always be hurt by whomever I love has made me scared shit less has made me slow to commit even when in a relationship and at the first sign of trouble look for a shoulder to cry on. I don't know why I've become this way or how to change. I really wish I knew. I love the piss out of this girl and I want to have a true life with her, raising a family, but I am so insecure about everything. How long down the road will she leave me? Does she really want me or just saying it? Am I ever going to be trustworthy to her? Probably not. I have curved back so much on my jealousy. I truly have. I've become so open about what I've become I haven't stopped to think about who I am or what I want to be. I wonder if I find out who I am will I change? I know I'm an arrogant asshole. I wish I wasn't. Gods do I wish I wasn't. If I asked myself ten years ago where he saw himself, how I am now wouldn't be my response. Everyone wanted to blame the Navy for my change in demeanor. To be honest I think the Navy blinded me of my true issue. I needed to get away from the manipulative bitch and see what real life was all about. I've also noticed that I haven't had many real close friends since High School. In fact all of my "friends" are either co-workers or online friends and on top of that are typically female. I have to change if I am gonna make this work. And damn it I want it to work.