Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

Broken. Did they ever really understand what that meant? I have never felt the warmth I gave. Cast off as soon as I am sucked dry. "Broken" is not the right word for me. I am much more than that word could ever mean.

I knew better than to get involved, to perform the acts that have always come so natural to me. This way of living was always what would end me. Once I have connected to another’s flesh, their soul truly became mine to peer into, to feel no matter where I was. Connections made prior severed. None could know the truth of the pain this inflicts. The pleasures far outweighed by this empathy.

The more I toil away waiting for my seasons to change the more I remember the liaison. The whispers of her aching psyche brought full teeth to bare on my willing flesh. Nothing to do, the boredom seeps in and taints the once understood arrangement. Emotions that shouldn’t exist try to tempt the destruction within. Lifestyles long past tempt to destroy what I have attempted to build. No clue where to find the truth of myself.

Was it a dream? Claim my prize. Make it mine. Is it as simple as that? My want and my need coinciding. This prize is what I want in the moment, and the moments after aren’t ripped by guilt. They are wrapped in wanting more. The monster in me asleep these many years knows the desire; knows the pain I inflict to walk away. This cannot be.

Laying in rapture, caught in euphoria, mutters reach my ears applauding the transpired actions. Is this truth or fiction. My wavelength so in tune. I have a sneaking suspicion that soon the walls will be back up, until I have fought once again. It is worth it. This I know. I don’t know if it will be possible at this time.

I must find the balance again. I don’t know what else to do. Severing this connection isn’t impossible, but my want does not align with this path. What can I do to not feel and yet feel? Rarely do I want any such trivialities. I don’t see how I can become more all the while allowing these connections to exist. Must it take an exit that I cannot return from.

Breath of the Wild turning the knife that I have yet to stop feeling. Inside the me that was wages war on the nine domains. All faces must choose a side. There is no middle ground. Embraced once what I truly am back inside, it may never go. Cathartic release is necessary for the abatement.